That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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