i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
