My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
FUCK WHALES
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
