I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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