how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
