My hand turned me down
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
