I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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