do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
