"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
