Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
