I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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