Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I am midnight drunk by noon
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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