I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
