I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
