if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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