I smell stomach acid.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
