my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
don't judge my taste in strippers
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
