My liver just broke up with me...
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
