I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it's great music for shaving your balls
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sext me about skeletons
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
