I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
