and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
