Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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