Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
