so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
