Don't you send me to vm
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
