I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
