you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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