He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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