i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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