Tell her she can't have a vagina
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
