I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
