so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
