I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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