Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
