this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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