I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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