i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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