You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
