pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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