He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Tell her she can't have a vagina
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
