So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
