If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I am spending my child support on dildos
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
