your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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