I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
