I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
