Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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