Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
