Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just want to make out with him forever
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
