i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
