Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
